Well, here I am at work again. I guess I need to update on how my last session with P went. It was pretty devastating. I cried so much, I just couldnt control it. She did give me her email address so at least I can keep in touch with her somehow. I met a new councelor that she thought I would have good chemistry with. She seemed ok but it kind of felt a little awkward. I think we were just trying to get a feel for each other. Its been almost a week since I’ve seen P and I think I may be in another depression. I cry easily, I dont have much of an appetite, I dont really feel like doing anything, and I’m smoking alot more. I’m not usually a smoker but I started about a month ago having an occasional cigarette and now I smoke at least one a day. So far today, I’ve had 2 and its still pretty early.
So, I finally made some contact with JL this week. I found out from his sister that he has moved back to town. I’m not sure if that contacting him was a smart thing to do. It could very well ruin my relationship with M should he find out. But, I couldnt help myself. I cant live with the fact that JL has been mad at me. I care about him too much to know that he is upset with me. I have to make it right. I sent him a message on myspace asking him if he would like to do lunch sometime. After going back and forth a couple of times, he said he would as long as I was sure that I wanted to go there again. I told him that I would get back to him about it. At least I know he is willing to see me and he doesnt despise me so much that he cant stand to look at me. He did ask me my intentions and I told him I just wanted to have lunch as friends to catch up, nothing more. He said “Good, because I dont see you in that light anymore.” Like he no longer sees me as a love interest. I guess I should be relieved by this, but it does hurt a bit. I guess because I still long for him. So anyway, I dont know what I’m going to do but the more and more I think about it, I want to see him.