Here at work

Well, here I am at work again.  I guess I need to update on how my last session with P went.  It was pretty devastating.  I cried so much, I just couldnt control it.  She did give me her email address so at least I can keep in touch with her somehow.  I met a new councelor that she thought I would have good chemistry with.  She seemed ok but it kind of felt a little awkward.  I think we were just trying to get a feel for each other.  Its been almost a week since I’ve seen P and I think I may be in another depression.  I cry easily, I dont have much of an appetite, I dont really feel like doing anything, and I’m smoking alot more.  I’m not usually a smoker but I started about a month ago having an occasional cigarette and now I smoke at least one a day.  So far today, I’ve had 2 and its still pretty early. 

So, I finally made some contact with JL this week.  I found out from his sister that he has moved back to town.  I’m not sure if that contacting him was a smart thing to do.  It could very well ruin my relationship with M should he find out.  But, I couldnt help myself.  I cant live with the fact that JL has been mad at me.  I care about him too much to know that he is upset with me.  I have to make it right.  I sent him a message on myspace asking him if he would like to do lunch sometime.  After going back and forth a couple of times, he said he would as long as I was sure that I wanted to go there again.  I told him that I would get back to him about it.  At least I know he is willing to see me and he doesnt despise me so much that he cant stand to look at me.  He did ask me my intentions and I told him I just wanted to have lunch as friends to catch up, nothing more.  He said “Good, because I dont see you in that light anymore.”  Like he no longer sees me as a love interest.  I guess I should be relieved by this, but it does hurt a bit.  I guess because I still long for him.  So anyway, I dont know what I’m going to do but the more and more I think about it, I want to see him.

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Halloween vent

I absolutely LOVE Halloween.  Its a great holiday and a great chance to dress up and be whoever you want to be.  One thing that does get on my nerves is the unoriginality of the females costumes nowadays.  They are all the same.  Some slutty nurse, bunny, cat, school girl, etc.  Get the picture?  It wouldnt bother me so much if I didnt have small children that I have to shield thier eyes when some of these chicks walk by in thier getups.  And no, I’m not ugly or fat, I CAN wear those outfits if I wanted to but I think its just lame.  I would love to see some costumes with some thought.  You can be anything that day, why would you dress like I’m sure most of them usually do on a daily basis anyway I havent gotten a costume yet cause I’m not sure what I’m going to be.  I’m trying to put some thought into it. 

Another day

Today is just another day at work.  It’s pretty busy and I’m feeling a bit anxious because of it.  Lately I’ve been having panic attacks when I get really anxious.  Those are the worse.  I’m just hoping I wont work myself into one here at work. 

Last night I had a pretty good time.  M and I went out to a local bar to celebrate one of his friend’s Bday.  I didn’t get drunk since last week I got drunk off of tequila, so it will be awhile before I can drink more without wanting to puke.  We did get a little tipsy though which always leads to some pretty great tipsy sex.  WOW!  Its was awesome!  I am definitely a satisfied customer.  lol 

I’m still dreading Monday.  I don’t want to have to say my goodbyes to P, so I’ve been down in the dumps the last couple of days.  And of course I am still having issues with JL.  He’s just constantly on my mind and this is getting really annoying.  I wish I could just forget him already.  Things at home aren’t perfect but M is trying so hard.  I am so happy that he is willing to change.  Sometimes I have to keep him on his toes about certain things but he usually corrects them pretty quickly.  I guess what I miss most about JL is the things he did for me that came natural to him and for M, it does not.  Simple things like always wanting to cuddle and hug on me, no matter where we are.  He used to walk behind me at the store so he could hug me from behind as we walked.  He always like laying with me and just playing with my hair and rubbing my back.  And he gave AWESOME massages.  And we laughed!  He would do just about anything to make me laugh and smile.  We had SO much fun together.  I loved spending time with him cause there was never a dull moment.  We had such a great connection.  I know M loves me but things like this doesn’t come natural to him.  The most PA he shows is holding hands and maybe a peck on the mouth.  He hardly ever makes physical contact unless I initiate it, even at home.  But he loves me, he just shows it differently.  Oh well, I guess all I can do is hope that with time, these thoughts about JL will go away.

On the other hand, I’m excited for Halloween.  Both my kids have their costumes and I’m excited to take them.  This will be J’s official first trick-or-treat since my ex-hubby still considers himself a JW and he wouldn’t let him go the last couple of years.  Finally this year I told him he was going and that was that.  He didn’t argue with me about it.  J is going as a ninja and G is going as batman.  They look sooo cute in their costumes.  The other day I put G’s costume on him and he walked around all day with it on.  He didn’t want to take it off.  I figured since he will only really be able to wear one day a year, he might as well wear it as much as he wants around the house.  He was not pleased with me when it was time to change him in his PJs for bed.  He wanted to sleep in it too.  lol 

Well, I guess thats all I have for today.  Hasta manana!

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I’ll miss you P

Well, today I’m going to try to come to terms with something I’ve been avoiding for the last month and a half.  My counselor told me about a month and a half ago that she will be retiring.  Well, Monday will be my last session with her.  I have to decide whether I want to continue counseling and if I do, I need to decide with who.  The fact that I confided in her and told her all these fears of rejection and abandonment is what is making this so hard.  I realize she has her own life and she should not feel guilty for living it.  She has her reasons why she has to retire.  Logically, I know she is not abandoning me, but Jessy is feeling that way.  P told me I would grieve over this almost as if this was a death.  It certainly feels that way.  This is the one person I trusted my soul to.  The only person that knows all the very intimate thoughts in my mind.  I have not been able to be as honest with anyone as I have with her.  She doesn’t judge me.  She doesn’t look down on me, and most of all she validates why I have certain feelings and lets me know that I’m perfectly normal.  Anyone that has been through what I have, would develop the habits and thinking that I have.  She has helped me realize that I don’t have to be this way for life.  By understanding why I feel or behave a certain way, I can make a conscious decision on how to act. 

I’ve decided I’m going to continue to go to counseling since I feel its helped me tremendously, I just don’t know how I will ever be able to start over and open up with someone new. 

I’m really going to miss you P!  Thanks so much for your help. 

Infactuation and lust

Infactuation and lust is a very tricky thing.   It’s decieving.  How do I know what the difference is between it and love?   Am I infactuated with you?  Am I in love with you?  Why is it that when I had you where I wanted you, I let you go?  Was I scared?  What was I scared of?  Of finally being happy?  Or did I know deep inside that you would eventually hurt me and I knew I couldnt handle that?  You know, hurt you before you hurt me?  Now I hear you talk about her like she was your one and only true love.  You think I didnt realize that?  You think I didnt notice how many times you mentioned her?  You didnt think I was that stupid, did you?  How could you tell me you loved me when in fact you didnt?  Why?  Because you were playing a game too.  You were lonely like I was.  The truth comes out so dont try to act like I’m the only bad guy.  Why do people do these things to each other?  What is the point?  Because we are too scared to be alone so we have to decieve people into staying and “loving” us?  So go tell her you loved her, dont feed me that line.  Dont lie to make me feel guilty.  Dont be mad because I called it for what it was. 

I long for him

I long for his touch.  For the one last chance to be held by him.  For his manly muscular build to be wrapped around me.  His kisses, his touch, his thrusts. 

Memories take me back to the many car episodes, the park episodes, the 2 hour long sessions in bed, behind the stores, the secret meetings, the looks across the table that only me and you knew what they meant.  All of these meetings were blissful and there was no where else I wanted to be.  No amount of time we spent together was enough for me.  I didnt care about the possibility of being caught.  All I wanted was for you to be inside me. When you lifted me in the air and pulled my hair.  Pure passion.  And the fact that I may never experience that with you again kills me inside.  How I long to be yours every night.  How can you not see that?  Help me make this possible.

I long for you.

The fact remains 10/3/06

Like a child trying to wash her hands of the filth

Like erasing lines less than perfect from a masterpiece

Like a horrid stain on a beautiful dress, ruining the presentation

The fact remains, its tainted.

The encouraging words, the pats on the back, can not change the fact that remains, it’s tainted.

Press forward, move along, take this pill and it’ll be okay. All those demons will soon be silenced.

But the fact remains and will bever be changed, you’re tainted. 

No open invitations 10/3/06

You’ll never amount to anything.  You’re a horrible little girl.

Although she never heard these words she felt them in the air. 

Like a heavy fog on a day that was supposed to be clear. 

The sadness, shame, and guilt were apparent in her eyes.

The tough exterior she needed to try and stifle all her cries.

She’s cold and mean now as an adult or so she’s been told 

But how else was this little girl’s life supposed to unfold?

What you’ve done 10/9/06

You smile in my face when we see each other.  What did you think?  That I forgot?  Never!  You are to blame.  You did this to me.

You’re the reason I turned out this way.  Guarded, scared, cold, and unable to love like normal people do.  Keeping everyone at a safe distance.

What were you thinking?  Why would you do this to me?  I had no control and you took advantage of that.  Too young and scared to say anything to anyone.

And when I finally did, what came of it?  Nothing.  Like it didnt happen or not important enough to cause a stir.  Heaven forbid people would know we are less than perfect.

Pray to God you’ll forget.  He will help you through anything.  Well, I’m all prayed out.  When does it get better? 

I’m still waiting.

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